So, Tuesday night rolls around and I get a chance to play. I fire it up, and the opening cutscene plays out. I get through the character creation screen (which was both annoying and cool) and the ensuing cutscene.
Everything is pretty cool so far; I'm digging it. I run around like a headless chicken for a few minutes before I realizing where I need to go. First up, I decided "fuck that Imperial guy, I'm going with the rebel dudes." So I follow my fellow prisoner into the guard tower where the rebels apparently had gotten a foothold. Just as the Imperial guards show up on the other side of the portcullis, all hell breaks loose with the puppy. So I hit save, and I pause the game. After the puppy drama is settled, it's decided that we're going to do something as a family. So I quit the game, and we go have some family time. After that, the kids head to bed, my wife falls asleep on the couch, and I go back to my game.
I load in, expecting to pick up where I left off. Except nobody will talk to me. The Nord guy will only tell me "let's get the fuck outta here before more Imperials show up" and the Imperials won't say shit to me. I can't go out the door because it's "blocked from the other side." I can't go through the locked door because the lock "requires a key and can't be picked." The portcullis won't fucking open to let the Imperials in, I've looted every fucking thing in the room and don't have a key, and I'm getting a little pissed. So, out of frustration, I beat my Nord compatriot to death 3 or 12 times. I do it enough to level up to 4. I pour all my points into Magicka and Destruction, and now I can burn the fucking Imperials to death through the bars of the portcullis.
Yay! They're fucking dead! Shit! I can't loot their bodies! FUUUUUUCK!!!
By this time it's kinda late and I have to work the next morning. I save and quit, and go talk to a coworker who also plays. He says "that's weird shit man, try going back to a previous save." So, that evening I revert to the save just before the dragon attack. But this time, fuck that Nord guy. I'm going with the Imperial dude. He should be able to open any fucking door in this armpit of a village.
Sure enough, everything goes smoothly. We get through the cavern and out into the world. He says "Go talk my random male relative in Fucktard town. He'll help you out."
I step outside to go check shit out, and run into some emo fuck whining about some tavern wench that's two timing him with some elf. I tell him "sure dude, I'll take this stupid note to your stupid whore and tell her it's from the elf." Then I see that I can go find the elf dude, and tell him what the OTHER dude is up to. I'm thinking "shit yeah, let's go cause a ruckus!" So I start running around looking for the elf dude. I find elf dude's house, but it's night time and he's got it all locked up. I'm kinda tired, and I don't feel like waiting for the game to cycle through to morning. So I save and go to bed.
So now it's Thursday night, and my wife heads out to get her nails done. Fucking awesome, now I can go cause an interracial sex incident. I start up the game, select "Continue", and load into the world. Fuck, it's still night time. That's ok, I'll wander around for a bit. I take a few steps and see a random townie walking down the road. Sweet, maybe he's got a quest for me. I go to talk to him, but the dialogue UI disappears and he starts yelling at me and hitting me with his sword. WTF?? So I run away while I try to figure out what the fuck is going on. As I'm running, some more townies fall in and I've got an angry fucking mob chasing me through town.
Sonofabitch, WTF is going on??
Somehow I end up back at the elf's house. I quickly pick the lock and jump inside. Surprise, mother fucker! Oh, make that "Surprise, mother fuckers!" since there's some burly woodsman looking dude in there with the elf. Hoping I'm not interrupting a Brokeback Skyrim moment or anything, I start the quest dialogue with the elf. But before I can select my first response the burly dude gets all butthurt or jealous or something and whacks me with his giant fucking warhammer. At that point the elf breaks off communication and goes hostile too. I'm dead like half a second later.
I respawn, and get pwnt again. Then again. Finally, one body length at a time, I make it to the door and get outside.
HOLY FUCKBALLS! It's a goddamn SEA of torches and pitchforks and angry villagers. I swear to god the entire fucking TOWN is outside waiting to kill my ass. I start running. I get back to the random male relative's house, thinking maybe the Imperial dude will help me out. I'm inside about a quarter second, and the random male relative and his wife start beating me down. Then, as soon as I fight back, that Imperial bastard joins in on their side! Treacherous bastard! So I kill them all. Once they're all dead I notice the little girl running around crying about "OMG, this can't really be happening. Why are you hurting them?" I remember that the instruction book says to eliminate all the witnesses. So I try killing her. Apparently the milkman or the mailman is a troll or something, cause I can't overcome her HP regen by beating her with my axe. So I try fire. No good. Fuck it, I'm out. I'll come kill your ass after I've leveled up a bit.
Outside there's still an angry mob. I run like hell into the wilderness, toward my waypoint. And of course, there's a fucking mountain in my way. So I make my way over/around this mountain, and see Whiterun off in the distance. As I approach, I see some bandits fucking with some guy. I close in and beat them to death, then turn to the now safe traveler to accept my reward. He stabs me in the goddamn face. I say "fuck you too, dude" and feed him a flaming knuckle sammich with a complimentary side of iron waraxe. Thankfully the bandits had pretty much handed him his ass already, so all I had to do is finish him off. I loot the corpses and continue on my merry way.
As I get closer, I see some folks playing Monkey-in-the-Middle with a hapless giant. I'm a little hesitant to approach for several reasons. Number one is that I've heard giants are fucking hardcore in this game, and number two is that pretty much every motherfucker I've talked to in this game has tried to kill me. And if these people are poking at something as badass as a giant for amusement, I'm fucking hosed if they turn on me.
Oh well, fuck it. Let's see what happens. I run in and smack the giant with my axe a couple of times, and he goes down. Everybody cheers! Nobody tries to kill me! In fact, one guy even invites me to join their party. Even the chicks are making passes at me. Shit yeah! I say I'll think it over and get back to them.
At th is point, I'm feeling pretty good. I finally found some NPCs that DIDN'T want to kill me, I've killed a giant, and I can see my goal up ahead. I strut into town, and even remember to sheathe my weapons just in case that's why people when apeshit in the last town. Everything's cool, until the first guard sees me. Then all hell breaks loose. Guards are coming from fucking EVERYWHERE, townspeople are piling on, and I'm just getting beat like a redheaded stepchild. I fight back a little, then I try surrendering.
YAY! The guards arrest me instead of killing me. I appear in my cell, and get the option of escaping or serving my time. I figure that maybe if I serve my time, I can clear my name and I won't be kill-on-sight anymore. So I click the bed, and serve my sentence. Everything is cool, I pop back into town right outside the dungeon gate, and I can see that my waypoint is over yonder. I head out, and as soon as the first fucking guard sees me he starts beating my ass. WTF?!?!?!
So, I surrender again. But this time there's an option to pay my bounty. Fuck yeah, lets try that.
From here on out, everything goes pretty smoothly. I talk to the Jarl who introduces me to the court wizard who gives me a quest to go recover some lost fucking relic. Fuck yeah, I got this. I head out of town, toward my waypoint, and eventually get the damn relic. I head back to town, and guess what happens when I arrive?
Yup. My ass gets attacked. AGAIN. Mother fucker; you have GOT to be shitting me. I surrender, pay my fine, pop at the dungeon, and head to the Jarl.
From here on out, that's how it goes. Every fucking time I leave town, I have to pay a bounty when I return. Save and quit while in town? Pay a fucking bounty when I load back in. Step outside city limits and come back? Pay a another fucking bounty. Rape, kill, and plunder every motherfucker that crosses my path? Pay a bounty.
So, fuck it I say. I turn on god mode, level every skill to 100, give myself every spell and shout in the game, head into the QA room to load up on uber gear, and I start killing every fucking Tom, Dick, and Harry I see. When I'm done, there will be no one left alive in the world except me and any unkillable quest-required NPCs.
TL; DR: Fuck you Skyrim. Fuck you square in your worthless, glitchy, cheating ear.
